The real wedding planner

June is coming, and with it the perennial bridal season. It seems that the magazines, the web, the bookstores, the department stores - everything is filled with weddings!

I happen to be an incurable window shopper, so whenever I see these things I stop and look: The Complete Wedding Planner, Complete Bridal Registry, How To Get Your Wedding Dress for Less... all accompanied by full color photos. It's enough to make your eyes flutter. You just don't know where to look first.

There was one tagline, though, that caught my attention:

"Every bride knows, it's all in the details."

That one left me thinking.

What's the all? What "all" is in those details?

The flowers? The dress? The wine? The menu?

Are these the things that give a wedding it's "all"?

Or are there other, more important, things that make a wedding the momentous occasion that it is? Things like commitment. Respect. Dedication.

So I decided to come up with my own wedding planner. You won't find this one in the stores - because money can't buy it.

Let's start with the proposal.

Often in life, the way something continues is determined by the way it began. So the way a couple gets engaged has the power to start the whole process on the right foot. Now, I'm not referring to the way the "stage is set", to the external trimmings. Even if you go as far as someone I know - who hired the Good Year Blimp to fly over the park where he and his intended fiancée were walking, and had it say on the side, "I love you, Debbie. Will you marry me?" - that's not what's going to make or break your proposal. Just like the true success of a wedding is measured not by the trimmings but by the essence, so it is for proposals.

So, what kind of a proposal will start the engagement right? Well, first of all, women, you can relax. That's because the one who has to propose is the man. It may not sound so "liberal", but even in today's unisex world, there are still some elements of chivalry that remain. And it's not only a matter of chivalry, by the way. If you propose to him, you take the risk of scaring him away. If he seems to be taking too much time, the most you can do is create the right atmosphere for a proposal. If he still doesn't seem to be getting it, you should make sure that he's not just commitment phobic.

So, men, the success of the proposal is on you. And the number one rule is, be a man about it. What does that mean? That means that when you pop the question - "Jessica, I really want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?" - or whatever phrase you decide to use, make it obvious that this is exclusively your decision. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT say something like this: "Jessica, I really want you to be my wife, will you marry me?" And when she says, "Yes," you say, "Great! Now I just have to clear it with my parents." That is an unbelievable turn-off for a woman. If your traditional or family values dictate that your parents give the OK before you get engaged, make sure that's taken care of before you propose. For example, maybe a week before you could invite her to dinner at your home, or bring her along on a family trip to Disneyland so that your folks can meet her. Then, after they've cleared it, you can take her out to a restaurant or wherever and ask her to marry her the way she deserves to be asked.

Another important detail - and this one's not gender-specific - is discussing the date. The proposal is a great time to discuss when the actual wedding will be. I'm not saying that you need to pick a specific date right then and there; obviously, there are other factors - family, for example - that need to come into consideration when choosing a specific date. But deciding on a month is a very good idea. So when he says, "Will you marry me?" and she answers, "Yes," the next thing one of them should say is, "When should we get married? How does October sound to you?" And then they can discuss it together and decide on a month. If the parents are the ones making the wedding, then they can get together and say, "Mom, Dad, we wanted to know how October sounds to you." Then a final date can be set. In any event, the engagement period should not be an excessively long one, because that can put a real strain on the relationship. Planning a wedding and getting ready for it can be a tense, emotionally stressful time; if care isn't taken to keep it as short as possible, then that tension and stress can have an effect on the relationship itself, which is a real shame.

This brings us to the next (and most expensive) stage, which we'll talk about in the second part of this series: the wedding itself.

Know how to say I am Sorry..

"I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I'm sorry I did it."
"Maybe you should apologize to her."
"I keep hoping there's a less obvious solution."
-Calvin and Hobbes, February 1986

Even ten years after the cartoon left the papers, I'm still waiting for Calvin and Hobbes to make a comeback. There's something about Bill Watterson's comic strip that reflects a great deal of reality with a load of humor, and the above exchange is no exception.

For some reason, many of us find it very difficult to apologize. Those two immortal words "I'm sorry" seem to either get stuck in our throats or come out sounding fake and insincere. This is a phenomenon that affects all relationships, but nowhere is it as widespread as it is in marriage.

Why is that? Why is it easy to apologize to the lady at the checkout counter, but when faced with our spouses we get tongue -tied? Why is it that we can get the words out when we've offended a fellow employee, but can't do the same for our partners in life?

(Well, the first thing we can do is take comfort in the fact that there is a precedent for our difficulties. From the beginning of time, apologies have proven to be a challenge to mankind. Adam and Eve had a hard time apologizing to G-d; Cain couldn't admit that he had committed a wrong when he killed Abel. So we're not alone in this one.)

The easy way out is to say that people who can't apologize are just selfish. They're bad. But that's an unfair assessment, as well as an incorrect one. Although there may be some people out there who can't apologize because they're so totally focused on themselves that they can't see anyone else, most people don't follow that rule. Most people have trouble making apologies because of the opposite reason - they're very good people. Huh?

That's right. They're very good people. They're just perfectionists to one degree or another. And perfectionists will generally find it difficult to say, "I'm sorry", because they find the thought of having done something wrong so unbelievably overwhelming. They can't handle it emotionally, and so apologizing is a very difficult task for them.

A corollary to this is that some people really try very hard to do the right thing. They try to be nice, they try to be considerate, they try to be helpful. And when they see that their efforts to please have backfired, it's just a tremendous letdown. Facing that letdown is painful, and so apologizing becomes an emotional hurdle to overcome.

The underlying current beneath all of this is pride. Not necessarily selfish, arrogant pride, but the pride we take in who we are and what we do. In other words, our self esteem. And when we have to admit that we're wrong - which means that we're admitting that the other person is right - that pinches us right where it hurts. It deflates our self esteem.

At this point you might be wondering, "So what if it's hard for me to apologize? Everyone has their weak spots; mine is saying I'm sorry. Is it so crucial? What's the big deal?"

I'll answer these questions with one of my own, which Dr. Meir Wikler, a renowned psychiatrist in the New York area, asks his audiences when lecturing on this topic:

What are the three most important words in marriage? I know what you're thinking. You're one third right. The first word is "I"; but the third word is not "you."

Give up? Okay. The three most important words in marriage are: "I WAS WRONG." There is nothing that can diffuse a tense situation between husband and wife than one or the other (or both!) looking each other in the eye and saying, "Honey, I apologize. I was wrong."

As soon as those words are thrown into the air, something magical happens. All the defenses go down. The emotional barometer goes back to normal. The tension and anger are immediately replaced by an atmosphere of love and good will.

So now that we know how important apologies are, how can we overcome our difficulties in delivering them?

We need to realize that apologizing is a skill. And, like any skill that doesn't come naturally, you have to learn how to do it. There is more to apologizing than just saying, "I'm sorry." There are actually five elements that need to be covered in order for an apology to be truly effective: 1) Acknowledge what you did. If you're not sure, here's a great solution - ask! 2) Acknowledge the effect it had (or must have had) on your spouse and on his/her feelings. 3) Express your regret. 4) Express your resolve not to make the same mistake again. 5) Only now can you ask for forgiveness. Here's an example:

Jack sees that his wife Linda is giving off insulted-vibes. Her demeanor suggests that it's his fault, but he doesn't remember having said or done anything wrong. Here is the way that Jack should NOT handle this:

Jack: You know, Linda, the way you're sulking around is not enhancing the atmosphere. What happened?

That kind of opening is going to blow Linda's fuse. Here's what Jack should say:

Jack: Linda, I see that you're upset, and I'm getting the impression that something I may have done has caused it. Could you tell me what I did so that I can make amends? Linda: You really don't know? Jack: No, Lin, I really don't. But I'd appreciate it if you would tell me.

At this point, Linda can already see that Jack sincerely wants her to feel better, even though he has no clue what he did. Her defenses are coming down even before he apologizes.

Linda: Well, you remember last night at the restaurant? Your comment about my job really insulted me.

Now, here it comes:

Jack: Linda, I'm really sorry. It was wrong of me to speak without thinking. (1) That comment must have made you feel that I don't value your job or your efforts to contribute to the family income. (2) It was totally unintentional, and nothing could be further from the truth. I feel terrible about making you feel that way. (3) In the future, I'll try to think a little harder before I speak. Your feelings are very important to me. (4) Do you forgive me? (5)

Linda, of course, forgives him immediately, and their marriage is fortified.

Occasionally, a card or small gift can accompany an apology, especially if the issue was a major one. It doesn't have to be anything you pay an arm or a leg for - save those extravagant gifts for real occasions - but it can help to emphasize your sincerity and your desire to patch things up

Too bad Calvin didn't see this article.

Love means appriciating

Liz was furious. She found herself throwing things into her pocketbook and slamming drawers. "What's his problem?" she fumed. "The rent is late again, and all he says is, 'Don't worry, it'll be okay.' I can't take it anymore! Whether the baby runs a high fever or the electric company wants to turn off the electricity because the bill was misplaced and never paid, all he can say is, 'Don't worry. It'll be fine. Calm down.' When I got married, I thought I would have someone to share my burdens with, not ignore them. Doesn't he CARE?!"

***

Barry was getting frustrated. "Why does every little thing I say set Michelle off crying?" he wondered. "I was just making a joke. Even my sisters never got insulted the way she does. Why does she have to be so sensitive? Almost every discussion we have about anything serious ends up with her crying, and I'm getting sick and tired of always feeling like the bad guy. This is not what I envisioned when we got married. I've had enough of this!"

***

Both Liz and Barry seem to have legitimate complaints. Liz's husband, Mike, just shrugs everything off, and Barry's wife Michelle overreacts to every little comment he makes. When it goes on and on, day after day, both Liz and Barry begin to feel frustrated in their marriages. And although they haven't said so - even to themselves - deep down, they are both wondering if they really married the right person.

But before letting matters go any further, both Barry and Liz would be well-advised to turn the clock back to the time when they were still single and searching. Let's do it for them, and see what we find:

Liz was always a somewhat nervous type. Throughout school, she would suffer from headaches whenever she had an exam. When her friends began to receive replies from colleges before she did, she began to call the admissions office twice a day because she was so nervous that something had happened. Liz knew that she was way too anxious about everything, but couldn't seem to control this aspect of her personality.

When Liz met Mike, she was struck by how immediately relaxed she felt in his presence. His calm, easygoing, stress-free personality set her at ease, and she found herself enjoying his company more and more. When they got engaged, she knew that with Mike at her side she would always feel secure that things would work out.

***

Although Barry loved his parents dearly, he knew that he wanted his home to be somewhat different than the one in which he grew up. For some reason, it always seemed that his mother was not quite in tune with his father. As Barry matured, he realized that while his mother was talented in many areas, she lacked sensitivity. As Barry started to think about marriage, he knew that this quality was high up in his list of priorities. When he met Michelle, the first quality that he noticed was her incredible sensitivity. She seemed to know just what to say to everybody at just the right time. The more Barry got to know Michelle, the more he admired that quality of hers. And when they got engaged, he knew that in Michelle he had found someone who would truly be his partner, with whom he could always share his feelings with and know that she would understand.

***

So what went wrong?

Nothing.

Yes, nothing. Both Liz and Barry got exactly what they wanted. But there was one small rule that no one told them about. It's a rule that could change their lives, and maybe yours, too:

When you look at a person you have to realize that both what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy are two sides of the same coin.

That bears repeating:

What you enjoy and what you don't enjoy are two sides of the same coin.

It's a cliche but it's true: No one is perfect. Everybody has faults, and more often than not, their faults are nothing more than the flip side of their positive characteristics. That means that some people who tend to be relaxed, calm and stress-free might not be overly concerned about issues that are truly serious and demand attention. And that people who are extremely sensitive to others might be very sensitive themselves, and need to be treated accordingly.

In every relationship - but especially in marriage - it is crucial to learn how to appreciate the whole person, and to accept the fact that those qualities that you admire most in your spouse might have other aspects to them that may not be to your liking, and may require some adjustments. The best adjustment you can make is to refocus your viewing lens.

For Liz, that means focusing on Mike's amazing ability to calm her down and keep her balanced, rather than on those situations in which his easygoing nature seems to be a drawback. For Barry, it means concentrating on Michelle's incredible sensitivity to his feelings while accepting the fact that her own feelings may be fragile and to weigh his words carefully. Mike and Michelle are not off the hook either. If Liz gets upset, Mike can remind himself that thanks to her they have electricity; Michelle should tell herself that Barry is used to joking, and that if he hurts her feelings it is more than likely unintentional. If each spouse shows the other how much they appreciate him or her as a whole person, they will have imbued their marriages with a staying power that is second to none.