Marriage isn't Complicated

One of the consequences of living in a small town like mine is that everyone knows what I do - which means that people stop me in places like drug stores and ask me for advice.

Well, I got on the bus the other day, sat down in a window seat and prepared for a sorely needed, deep sleep. But just as I was drifting off into Never-Never-Land, I heard a male voice say, "I'm so glad that no one took this seat before I did." Huh?

I opened one eye, hoping that it was Captain Hook and I had arrived at my intended destination after all. No go. I recognized my new seat-mate as a grad student named Matt, who got married last year and moved in across the street.

"Really," was my profound response, as I opened my other eye.

Luckily, Matt took no notice of my valiant efforts to re-access the world of the woken.

"Yeah, really. There's a question I've been wanting to ask you."

"Shoot," I answered, now fully with-it.

"Why is marriage so complicated?"

I was somewhat taken aback. "Who told you it is?"

Matt looked at me as if I'd just arrived from another planet (actually, I had). "What do you mean? No one has to tell me.

I've been married for over a year now, and I know it for myself."

I felt the painful twinge inside that I always feel when these young couples come to me for advice after being married for such a short time. "OK, so I'll rephrase the question. What makes you feel that it's so complicated?"

"Everything!"

"Could you be a bit more specific?"

Matt was getting a bit frustrated. "You're the marriage counselor. You should know what makes marriage complicated more than I do!"

"Matt, I don't think that marriage is so complicated. Actually, I don't think it's very complicated at all." Matt wasn't thrilled with my answer. "If marriage weren't so complicated, you'd be out of a job."

I smiled. "You have it backwards. People come to me because they've made their marriages complicated, and I have to un- complicate it for them."

Now it was Matt's turn. "Huh?"

"Let me tell you something, Matt. Marriage is not deep, and it's not complicated. I'll tell you what it is: it's hard. It takes effort. But it's not complicated."

Matt thought about that for a second, then asked, "Well, then, why are the divorce statistics so high?"

I sighed. "Honestly? Because people aren't always willing to work hard."

Matt disagreed. "With all due respect, I think you're wrong. When Laurie and I got married, I told myself that no way are we going to become another statistic. But, to be honest, things aren't going so well. And I'm thinking, ‘So many couples are divorcing. Why did I think I would be any different?'"

"So then why do you think it's hard?"

"Just look at the statistics. They're totally against you."

"Matt, marriage isn't hard because the statistics are against you."

He just looked at me. I felt bad for him.

"Look, you're a grad student, right?"

"Yeah."

"OK. Let's say that I'm the professor, and you have to take my course. So you come in, everyone sits down and then I say, "Welcome to my course. Before we begin, I just want you all to know in advance that some of you will fail this course. Most of you are not going to do well. The amount of students who are going to get good grades is minimal. What are you going to think about my course? I'll tell you. You're gonna say, ‘Man, these odds are terrible. I'm getting' outta here.' Right?" Matt laughed. "You bet."

I continued. "But what if I told you that 100% of the students who failed, didn't study, and 100% of the students who studied got good grades? Would you still quit?"

"No way."

I looked him in the eye and said, "Matt, it's the same thing with marriage. The statistics look horrible. The odds are against you. But I'm telling you that 100% of the people who put their all into it have great marriages. It's not deep. It's not complicated. And the only reason it's hard is that you have to really want it. You have to be prepared to work for it. You have to get used to not being selfish. And all of that is hard. But it's worth it. Understand that a good marriage comes from focusing on the other person's needs more than on your own, on taking care of your partner and letting your partner take care of you."

I could see that Matt was letting it sink in. "All of that makes sense. But then why is there so much marriage advice out there?"

"Because people are looking for deep and complicated answers. You know, I once did a Google search on the words ‘marriage advice.' Just for the fun of it. Guess how many references came up?"

"How many?" Matt grinned.

"18,100,000."

"What?!"

"You heard me. 18,100,000. And I looked at some of the sites. Some of them were good, some were inane, and some were downright harmful. But none of the ones I saw told the truth: That marriage isn't deep or complicated. You just have to want it. You just have to be committed to showing your spouse that you love her, in every way. And she'll respond, Matt. Anyone who's not disturbed responds to love. Laurie's not disturbed. She's probably looking for deep and complicated answers, just like you are."

"Were," Matt smiled.

I grinned back at him. But as the bus approached my stop, I realized that I had left out an important point. Hurriedly I said, "Now, that doesn't mean that there's nothing to say about marriage. There are all kinds of what I call ‘enhancers' that can help you make your marriage great. But they're all based on the same idea: You have to decide that this is the most important thing in your life. You have to be ready to sacrifice, to be a giver, to stop being selfish. It's hard. But it's so worth it. Because the ironic thing about marriage is that the more selfless you are, the more you put the other person first, the more self-satisfying your marriage will be."

I said goodbye to Matt, and got off the bus.

A week later I got a card in the mail. It read: "Marriage may not be complicated, but ours is now deeper than ever before...in love. Thanks for showing us the true odds. Matt and Laurie."

This article is based on and adapted from Rabbi Shimon Green's audio presentation from Keep The Ring.

The value of MArriage

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
-Judith Viorst 

There's this couple I remember from my childhood. We'll call them Nick and Robin. Now, I knew Robin from the time I was born. When I was about ten years old, she started going out with Nick. The two of them used to come over to my parents' house sometimes for dinner, or on the holidays. They were going together for a few years, and although I was too young to think about or realize it, they were probably living together to one degree or another.

One year, as the holidays approached - I think I was about fourteen - I asked my mother if Nick and Robin would be joining us. She sighed and said, "Nick and Robin aren't together anymore."

I was stunned. 

"What?! Are you serious? What happened?!" I asked (as if it were any of my business). My mother sighed again and answered, "If they would have been married, they would have worked it out. But it doesn't matter anymore now, Kate."

We were busy in the kitchen, with my siblings coming in and out constantly, so it wasn't the time for a heart-to-heart. But I filed my mother's answer away, to be continued at another time. A few nights later, another time came. My mother was sitting at the desk in her room, and the house was (for a change) quiet. Now was my chance.
"Mom, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
I sat down in the easy chair next to the desk.
"What's bothering you, Kate?"
"Nothing's really bothering me. But...well, you remember the other day when I asked you about Nick and Robin, and you told me that they broke up?"
"Yes."
"Well, what did you mean when you said that if they'd been married, they would have worked it out? What's the difference?" My mother put down the papers she was working on, and came to sit on the easy chair opposite mine. "What you mean to ask is, what is it about marriage that would have enabled them to work things out rather than break up? That's what you're asking?"
"Yeah."
"Because the value of a marriage is that you're stuck."

Seeing my puzzled look, my mother continued. "Katie, the whole idea behind marriage is commitment. When a couple gets married, they've made a concrete commitment to each other, not only emotionally but legally and, depending on the couple's faith, religiously as well. There is something external that holds them together. They can't just walk away. They can't run home to Mommy or Daddy, they can't run to the office. Because no matter where they go, they will still be married."

I was confused. "But if two people have made that commitment, and it's so strong, why would they ever want to run away?" My mother smiled at me and took my hand. "Because, sweetie, every relationship has its ups and downs. Every couple has times that are smooth and times that are rough. But a married couple has a much stronger motivation to make it through the rough times, because they know that the alternative - divorce - is so terrible. Couples that aren't married have a much bigger tendency to throw their hands up and walk away when things get rough, because there's nothing that obligates them to stay together. Do you understand?"
"Sort of."
My mother tried again. "Do you remember your favorite book when you were a little girl?"
"You mean Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?"
"Yup, that's the one."
"What about it?"
"The author of that book, Judith Viorst, once said something very wise. She said that one of the advantages of marriage is that when one member of the couple falls out of love with the other, the marriage keeps them together until they fall in again. What she was saying is that any couple will come up against strain and tension in their relationship. But a married couple will stick it out, because they're married."

I thought about that for a moment. "In a way it's like kids and parents, isn't it?" "Exactly. There are times that kids and parents do things that anger or upset one another. But they don't drop each other because of it, do they?" My mom grinned at me.

I grinned back. "Nope."
"Why not?"
"Cuz we're stuck with each other."
"You got it. Marriage works the same way. That's why I said that, had Nick and Robin been married - something I urged them to do way back - they would have worked out their differences. But because there was no commitment holding them together, the relationship fell apart."

"So if marriage is what holds the relationship together, why do people go for ages without getting married?" "You're quite the philosopher tonight, aren't you," she chuckled. "There are a lot of reasons, not all of which I can explain to you right now. But the biggest reason - I think - is that in today's world, people have lost their view of marriage as a virtue, as something worth sacrificing and letting go of themselves for. People go into a relationship thinking, 'What is this going to do for me' instead of 'what can I do for this other person?' As a result, they're afraid to commit, because they ask, 'What's going to happen if I find that I'm no longer satisfied in this relationship? Then I'll be stuck.' But the truth is that they're making a tragic mistake."

"What's their mistake?"

"Their mistake is that they're totally missing out on what gives life to a relationship, on what makes it work. The only way to be happy in a relationship, to be truly satisfied, is to commit through marriage. Any other way of relating is really saying, 'I'll love you meanwhile. I'll give to you meanwhile.' Marriage, on the other hand, forces you to see the other person, to give to them. And the irony of it all is that the more you give, the more you let go of your selfish needs, the more self-satisfied you'll be."

My mother paused for a minute and then frowned. "Now, Katie, obviously that doesn't mean that all married couples live happily ever after. You and I both know that couples divorce. But most of those divorces occur because people lose sight of what I just told you. Of course, there are cases where divorce is inevitable. But most of the time, if people would really give it their all, divorce could be avoided. Do you understand now?"

I thought for a minute, and, lo and behold, it all made sense to me. I nodded.

"Is the issue clearer for you?"
"Yeah. But Mom?"
"Yes, sweetie?"

"I can't help but think...it's too bad that Robin never had this conversation when she was growing up. It could have saved her a lot of pain."

The real wedding planner

June is coming, and with it the perennial bridal season. It seems that the magazines, the web, the bookstores, the department stores - everything is filled with weddings!

I happen to be an incurable window shopper, so whenever I see these things I stop and look: The Complete Wedding Planner, Complete Bridal Registry, How To Get Your Wedding Dress for Less... all accompanied by full color photos. It's enough to make your eyes flutter. You just don't know where to look first.

There was one tagline, though, that caught my attention:

"Every bride knows, it's all in the details."

That one left me thinking.

What's the all? What "all" is in those details?

The flowers? The dress? The wine? The menu?

Are these the things that give a wedding it's "all"?

Or are there other, more important, things that make a wedding the momentous occasion that it is? Things like commitment. Respect. Dedication.

So I decided to come up with my own wedding planner. You won't find this one in the stores - because money can't buy it.

Let's start with the proposal.

Often in life, the way something continues is determined by the way it began. So the way a couple gets engaged has the power to start the whole process on the right foot. Now, I'm not referring to the way the "stage is set", to the external trimmings. Even if you go as far as someone I know - who hired the Good Year Blimp to fly over the park where he and his intended fiancée were walking, and had it say on the side, "I love you, Debbie. Will you marry me?" - that's not what's going to make or break your proposal. Just like the true success of a wedding is measured not by the trimmings but by the essence, so it is for proposals.

So, what kind of a proposal will start the engagement right? Well, first of all, women, you can relax. That's because the one who has to propose is the man. It may not sound so "liberal", but even in today's unisex world, there are still some elements of chivalry that remain. And it's not only a matter of chivalry, by the way. If you propose to him, you take the risk of scaring him away. If he seems to be taking too much time, the most you can do is create the right atmosphere for a proposal. If he still doesn't seem to be getting it, you should make sure that he's not just commitment phobic.

So, men, the success of the proposal is on you. And the number one rule is, be a man about it. What does that mean? That means that when you pop the question - "Jessica, I really want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?" - or whatever phrase you decide to use, make it obvious that this is exclusively your decision. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT say something like this: "Jessica, I really want you to be my wife, will you marry me?" And when she says, "Yes," you say, "Great! Now I just have to clear it with my parents." That is an unbelievable turn-off for a woman. If your traditional or family values dictate that your parents give the OK before you get engaged, make sure that's taken care of before you propose. For example, maybe a week before you could invite her to dinner at your home, or bring her along on a family trip to Disneyland so that your folks can meet her. Then, after they've cleared it, you can take her out to a restaurant or wherever and ask her to marry her the way she deserves to be asked.

Another important detail - and this one's not gender-specific - is discussing the date. The proposal is a great time to discuss when the actual wedding will be. I'm not saying that you need to pick a specific date right then and there; obviously, there are other factors - family, for example - that need to come into consideration when choosing a specific date. But deciding on a month is a very good idea. So when he says, "Will you marry me?" and she answers, "Yes," the next thing one of them should say is, "When should we get married? How does October sound to you?" And then they can discuss it together and decide on a month. If the parents are the ones making the wedding, then they can get together and say, "Mom, Dad, we wanted to know how October sounds to you." Then a final date can be set. In any event, the engagement period should not be an excessively long one, because that can put a real strain on the relationship. Planning a wedding and getting ready for it can be a tense, emotionally stressful time; if care isn't taken to keep it as short as possible, then that tension and stress can have an effect on the relationship itself, which is a real shame.

This brings us to the next (and most expensive) stage, which we'll talk about in the second part of this series: the wedding itself.