HIndi Kunwari ladki ki kahani

हेल्लो दोस्तों !

फ़िर से आपका पुराना दोस्त राहुल, हरयाणा से हाज़िर है आपके लिए एक सेक्स भरी कहानी लेकर !

कहानी शुरू करने से पहले आज मैं आपको एक बात बताना चाहता हूं कि मुझे स्कूल टाईम से ही सेक्स का बड़ा शौक था इसीलिए मेरे दोस्त मुझे सेक्स-गुरु कहते थे। किसी को भी कोई परेशानी होती थी, किसी लड़की को लेकर, वो मेरे पास आता था और मैं उसकी समस्या हल कर देता था। एक तरह से कहो तो दोस्तों मैंने सेक्स में और प्यार में पी.ऐच.डी. की हुई है ऐसी कोई समस्या नहीं जिसका मेरे पास हल नहीं।

चलो बहुत देर हुई आपको बोर करते हुए अब आते हैं आज की कहानी पे !

मेरी पिछली कहनी चूत का प्यासा के मुझे बहुत उत्तर मिले। बहुत सी लड़कियों और औरतों की मेल्स मिली मुझे बहुत ही अच्छा लगा।

यह कहानी है मेरे एक पड़ोस की लड़की की जो देखने में कयामत थी उसका नाम था शबन� 

Marriage isn't Complicated

One of the consequences of living in a small town like mine is that everyone knows what I do - which means that people stop me in places like drug stores and ask me for advice.

Well, I got on the bus the other day, sat down in a window seat and prepared for a sorely needed, deep sleep. But just as I was drifting off into Never-Never-Land, I heard a male voice say, "I'm so glad that no one took this seat before I did." Huh?

I opened one eye, hoping that it was Captain Hook and I had arrived at my intended destination after all. No go. I recognized my new seat-mate as a grad student named Matt, who got married last year and moved in across the street.

"Really," was my profound response, as I opened my other eye.

Luckily, Matt took no notice of my valiant efforts to re-access the world of the woken.

"Yeah, really. There's a question I've been wanting to ask you."

"Shoot," I answered, now fully with-it.

"Why is marriage so complicated?"

I was somewhat taken aback. "Who told you it is?"

Matt looked at me as if I'd just arrived from another planet (actually, I had). "What do you mean? No one has to tell me.

I've been married for over a year now, and I know it for myself."

I felt the painful twinge inside that I always feel when these young couples come to me for advice after being married for such a short time. "OK, so I'll rephrase the question. What makes you feel that it's so complicated?"

"Everything!"

"Could you be a bit more specific?"

Matt was getting a bit frustrated. "You're the marriage counselor. You should know what makes marriage complicated more than I do!"

"Matt, I don't think that marriage is so complicated. Actually, I don't think it's very complicated at all." Matt wasn't thrilled with my answer. "If marriage weren't so complicated, you'd be out of a job."

I smiled. "You have it backwards. People come to me because they've made their marriages complicated, and I have to un- complicate it for them."

Now it was Matt's turn. "Huh?"

"Let me tell you something, Matt. Marriage is not deep, and it's not complicated. I'll tell you what it is: it's hard. It takes effort. But it's not complicated."

Matt thought about that for a second, then asked, "Well, then, why are the divorce statistics so high?"

I sighed. "Honestly? Because people aren't always willing to work hard."

Matt disagreed. "With all due respect, I think you're wrong. When Laurie and I got married, I told myself that no way are we going to become another statistic. But, to be honest, things aren't going so well. And I'm thinking, ‘So many couples are divorcing. Why did I think I would be any different?'"

"So then why do you think it's hard?"

"Just look at the statistics. They're totally against you."

"Matt, marriage isn't hard because the statistics are against you."

He just looked at me. I felt bad for him.

"Look, you're a grad student, right?"

"Yeah."

"OK. Let's say that I'm the professor, and you have to take my course. So you come in, everyone sits down and then I say, "Welcome to my course. Before we begin, I just want you all to know in advance that some of you will fail this course. Most of you are not going to do well. The amount of students who are going to get good grades is minimal. What are you going to think about my course? I'll tell you. You're gonna say, ‘Man, these odds are terrible. I'm getting' outta here.' Right?" Matt laughed. "You bet."

I continued. "But what if I told you that 100% of the students who failed, didn't study, and 100% of the students who studied got good grades? Would you still quit?"

"No way."

I looked him in the eye and said, "Matt, it's the same thing with marriage. The statistics look horrible. The odds are against you. But I'm telling you that 100% of the people who put their all into it have great marriages. It's not deep. It's not complicated. And the only reason it's hard is that you have to really want it. You have to be prepared to work for it. You have to get used to not being selfish. And all of that is hard. But it's worth it. Understand that a good marriage comes from focusing on the other person's needs more than on your own, on taking care of your partner and letting your partner take care of you."

I could see that Matt was letting it sink in. "All of that makes sense. But then why is there so much marriage advice out there?"

"Because people are looking for deep and complicated answers. You know, I once did a Google search on the words ‘marriage advice.' Just for the fun of it. Guess how many references came up?"

"How many?" Matt grinned.

"18,100,000."

"What?!"

"You heard me. 18,100,000. And I looked at some of the sites. Some of them were good, some were inane, and some were downright harmful. But none of the ones I saw told the truth: That marriage isn't deep or complicated. You just have to want it. You just have to be committed to showing your spouse that you love her, in every way. And she'll respond, Matt. Anyone who's not disturbed responds to love. Laurie's not disturbed. She's probably looking for deep and complicated answers, just like you are."

"Were," Matt smiled.

I grinned back at him. But as the bus approached my stop, I realized that I had left out an important point. Hurriedly I said, "Now, that doesn't mean that there's nothing to say about marriage. There are all kinds of what I call ‘enhancers' that can help you make your marriage great. But they're all based on the same idea: You have to decide that this is the most important thing in your life. You have to be ready to sacrifice, to be a giver, to stop being selfish. It's hard. But it's so worth it. Because the ironic thing about marriage is that the more selfless you are, the more you put the other person first, the more self-satisfying your marriage will be."

I said goodbye to Matt, and got off the bus.

A week later I got a card in the mail. It read: "Marriage may not be complicated, but ours is now deeper than ever before...in love. Thanks for showing us the true odds. Matt and Laurie."

This article is based on and adapted from Rabbi Shimon Green's audio presentation from Keep The Ring.

The value of MArriage

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
-Judith Viorst 

There's this couple I remember from my childhood. We'll call them Nick and Robin. Now, I knew Robin from the time I was born. When I was about ten years old, she started going out with Nick. The two of them used to come over to my parents' house sometimes for dinner, or on the holidays. They were going together for a few years, and although I was too young to think about or realize it, they were probably living together to one degree or another.

One year, as the holidays approached - I think I was about fourteen - I asked my mother if Nick and Robin would be joining us. She sighed and said, "Nick and Robin aren't together anymore."

I was stunned. 

"What?! Are you serious? What happened?!" I asked (as if it were any of my business). My mother sighed again and answered, "If they would have been married, they would have worked it out. But it doesn't matter anymore now, Kate."

We were busy in the kitchen, with my siblings coming in and out constantly, so it wasn't the time for a heart-to-heart. But I filed my mother's answer away, to be continued at another time. A few nights later, another time came. My mother was sitting at the desk in her room, and the house was (for a change) quiet. Now was my chance.
"Mom, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
I sat down in the easy chair next to the desk.
"What's bothering you, Kate?"
"Nothing's really bothering me. But...well, you remember the other day when I asked you about Nick and Robin, and you told me that they broke up?"
"Yes."
"Well, what did you mean when you said that if they'd been married, they would have worked it out? What's the difference?" My mother put down the papers she was working on, and came to sit on the easy chair opposite mine. "What you mean to ask is, what is it about marriage that would have enabled them to work things out rather than break up? That's what you're asking?"
"Yeah."
"Because the value of a marriage is that you're stuck."

Seeing my puzzled look, my mother continued. "Katie, the whole idea behind marriage is commitment. When a couple gets married, they've made a concrete commitment to each other, not only emotionally but legally and, depending on the couple's faith, religiously as well. There is something external that holds them together. They can't just walk away. They can't run home to Mommy or Daddy, they can't run to the office. Because no matter where they go, they will still be married."

I was confused. "But if two people have made that commitment, and it's so strong, why would they ever want to run away?" My mother smiled at me and took my hand. "Because, sweetie, every relationship has its ups and downs. Every couple has times that are smooth and times that are rough. But a married couple has a much stronger motivation to make it through the rough times, because they know that the alternative - divorce - is so terrible. Couples that aren't married have a much bigger tendency to throw their hands up and walk away when things get rough, because there's nothing that obligates them to stay together. Do you understand?"
"Sort of."
My mother tried again. "Do you remember your favorite book when you were a little girl?"
"You mean Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?"
"Yup, that's the one."
"What about it?"
"The author of that book, Judith Viorst, once said something very wise. She said that one of the advantages of marriage is that when one member of the couple falls out of love with the other, the marriage keeps them together until they fall in again. What she was saying is that any couple will come up against strain and tension in their relationship. But a married couple will stick it out, because they're married."

I thought about that for a moment. "In a way it's like kids and parents, isn't it?" "Exactly. There are times that kids and parents do things that anger or upset one another. But they don't drop each other because of it, do they?" My mom grinned at me.

I grinned back. "Nope."
"Why not?"
"Cuz we're stuck with each other."
"You got it. Marriage works the same way. That's why I said that, had Nick and Robin been married - something I urged them to do way back - they would have worked out their differences. But because there was no commitment holding them together, the relationship fell apart."

"So if marriage is what holds the relationship together, why do people go for ages without getting married?" "You're quite the philosopher tonight, aren't you," she chuckled. "There are a lot of reasons, not all of which I can explain to you right now. But the biggest reason - I think - is that in today's world, people have lost their view of marriage as a virtue, as something worth sacrificing and letting go of themselves for. People go into a relationship thinking, 'What is this going to do for me' instead of 'what can I do for this other person?' As a result, they're afraid to commit, because they ask, 'What's going to happen if I find that I'm no longer satisfied in this relationship? Then I'll be stuck.' But the truth is that they're making a tragic mistake."

"What's their mistake?"

"Their mistake is that they're totally missing out on what gives life to a relationship, on what makes it work. The only way to be happy in a relationship, to be truly satisfied, is to commit through marriage. Any other way of relating is really saying, 'I'll love you meanwhile. I'll give to you meanwhile.' Marriage, on the other hand, forces you to see the other person, to give to them. And the irony of it all is that the more you give, the more you let go of your selfish needs, the more self-satisfied you'll be."

My mother paused for a minute and then frowned. "Now, Katie, obviously that doesn't mean that all married couples live happily ever after. You and I both know that couples divorce. But most of those divorces occur because people lose sight of what I just told you. Of course, there are cases where divorce is inevitable. But most of the time, if people would really give it their all, divorce could be avoided. Do you understand now?"

I thought for a minute, and, lo and behold, it all made sense to me. I nodded.

"Is the issue clearer for you?"
"Yeah. But Mom?"
"Yes, sweetie?"

"I can't help but think...it's too bad that Robin never had this conversation when she was growing up. It could have saved her a lot of pain."

The real wedding planner

June is coming, and with it the perennial bridal season. It seems that the magazines, the web, the bookstores, the department stores - everything is filled with weddings!

I happen to be an incurable window shopper, so whenever I see these things I stop and look: The Complete Wedding Planner, Complete Bridal Registry, How To Get Your Wedding Dress for Less... all accompanied by full color photos. It's enough to make your eyes flutter. You just don't know where to look first.

There was one tagline, though, that caught my attention:

"Every bride knows, it's all in the details."

That one left me thinking.

What's the all? What "all" is in those details?

The flowers? The dress? The wine? The menu?

Are these the things that give a wedding it's "all"?

Or are there other, more important, things that make a wedding the momentous occasion that it is? Things like commitment. Respect. Dedication.

So I decided to come up with my own wedding planner. You won't find this one in the stores - because money can't buy it.

Let's start with the proposal.

Often in life, the way something continues is determined by the way it began. So the way a couple gets engaged has the power to start the whole process on the right foot. Now, I'm not referring to the way the "stage is set", to the external trimmings. Even if you go as far as someone I know - who hired the Good Year Blimp to fly over the park where he and his intended fiancée were walking, and had it say on the side, "I love you, Debbie. Will you marry me?" - that's not what's going to make or break your proposal. Just like the true success of a wedding is measured not by the trimmings but by the essence, so it is for proposals.

So, what kind of a proposal will start the engagement right? Well, first of all, women, you can relax. That's because the one who has to propose is the man. It may not sound so "liberal", but even in today's unisex world, there are still some elements of chivalry that remain. And it's not only a matter of chivalry, by the way. If you propose to him, you take the risk of scaring him away. If he seems to be taking too much time, the most you can do is create the right atmosphere for a proposal. If he still doesn't seem to be getting it, you should make sure that he's not just commitment phobic.

So, men, the success of the proposal is on you. And the number one rule is, be a man about it. What does that mean? That means that when you pop the question - "Jessica, I really want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?" - or whatever phrase you decide to use, make it obvious that this is exclusively your decision. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT say something like this: "Jessica, I really want you to be my wife, will you marry me?" And when she says, "Yes," you say, "Great! Now I just have to clear it with my parents." That is an unbelievable turn-off for a woman. If your traditional or family values dictate that your parents give the OK before you get engaged, make sure that's taken care of before you propose. For example, maybe a week before you could invite her to dinner at your home, or bring her along on a family trip to Disneyland so that your folks can meet her. Then, after they've cleared it, you can take her out to a restaurant or wherever and ask her to marry her the way she deserves to be asked.

Another important detail - and this one's not gender-specific - is discussing the date. The proposal is a great time to discuss when the actual wedding will be. I'm not saying that you need to pick a specific date right then and there; obviously, there are other factors - family, for example - that need to come into consideration when choosing a specific date. But deciding on a month is a very good idea. So when he says, "Will you marry me?" and she answers, "Yes," the next thing one of them should say is, "When should we get married? How does October sound to you?" And then they can discuss it together and decide on a month. If the parents are the ones making the wedding, then they can get together and say, "Mom, Dad, we wanted to know how October sounds to you." Then a final date can be set. In any event, the engagement period should not be an excessively long one, because that can put a real strain on the relationship. Planning a wedding and getting ready for it can be a tense, emotionally stressful time; if care isn't taken to keep it as short as possible, then that tension and stress can have an effect on the relationship itself, which is a real shame.

This brings us to the next (and most expensive) stage, which we'll talk about in the second part of this series: the wedding itself.

Know how to say I am Sorry..

"I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I'm sorry I did it."
"Maybe you should apologize to her."
"I keep hoping there's a less obvious solution."
-Calvin and Hobbes, February 1986

Even ten years after the cartoon left the papers, I'm still waiting for Calvin and Hobbes to make a comeback. There's something about Bill Watterson's comic strip that reflects a great deal of reality with a load of humor, and the above exchange is no exception.

For some reason, many of us find it very difficult to apologize. Those two immortal words "I'm sorry" seem to either get stuck in our throats or come out sounding fake and insincere. This is a phenomenon that affects all relationships, but nowhere is it as widespread as it is in marriage.

Why is that? Why is it easy to apologize to the lady at the checkout counter, but when faced with our spouses we get tongue -tied? Why is it that we can get the words out when we've offended a fellow employee, but can't do the same for our partners in life?

(Well, the first thing we can do is take comfort in the fact that there is a precedent for our difficulties. From the beginning of time, apologies have proven to be a challenge to mankind. Adam and Eve had a hard time apologizing to G-d; Cain couldn't admit that he had committed a wrong when he killed Abel. So we're not alone in this one.)

The easy way out is to say that people who can't apologize are just selfish. They're bad. But that's an unfair assessment, as well as an incorrect one. Although there may be some people out there who can't apologize because they're so totally focused on themselves that they can't see anyone else, most people don't follow that rule. Most people have trouble making apologies because of the opposite reason - they're very good people. Huh?

That's right. They're very good people. They're just perfectionists to one degree or another. And perfectionists will generally find it difficult to say, "I'm sorry", because they find the thought of having done something wrong so unbelievably overwhelming. They can't handle it emotionally, and so apologizing is a very difficult task for them.

A corollary to this is that some people really try very hard to do the right thing. They try to be nice, they try to be considerate, they try to be helpful. And when they see that their efforts to please have backfired, it's just a tremendous letdown. Facing that letdown is painful, and so apologizing becomes an emotional hurdle to overcome.

The underlying current beneath all of this is pride. Not necessarily selfish, arrogant pride, but the pride we take in who we are and what we do. In other words, our self esteem. And when we have to admit that we're wrong - which means that we're admitting that the other person is right - that pinches us right where it hurts. It deflates our self esteem.

At this point you might be wondering, "So what if it's hard for me to apologize? Everyone has their weak spots; mine is saying I'm sorry. Is it so crucial? What's the big deal?"

I'll answer these questions with one of my own, which Dr. Meir Wikler, a renowned psychiatrist in the New York area, asks his audiences when lecturing on this topic:

What are the three most important words in marriage? I know what you're thinking. You're one third right. The first word is "I"; but the third word is not "you."

Give up? Okay. The three most important words in marriage are: "I WAS WRONG." There is nothing that can diffuse a tense situation between husband and wife than one or the other (or both!) looking each other in the eye and saying, "Honey, I apologize. I was wrong."

As soon as those words are thrown into the air, something magical happens. All the defenses go down. The emotional barometer goes back to normal. The tension and anger are immediately replaced by an atmosphere of love and good will.

So now that we know how important apologies are, how can we overcome our difficulties in delivering them?

We need to realize that apologizing is a skill. And, like any skill that doesn't come naturally, you have to learn how to do it. There is more to apologizing than just saying, "I'm sorry." There are actually five elements that need to be covered in order for an apology to be truly effective: 1) Acknowledge what you did. If you're not sure, here's a great solution - ask! 2) Acknowledge the effect it had (or must have had) on your spouse and on his/her feelings. 3) Express your regret. 4) Express your resolve not to make the same mistake again. 5) Only now can you ask for forgiveness. Here's an example:

Jack sees that his wife Linda is giving off insulted-vibes. Her demeanor suggests that it's his fault, but he doesn't remember having said or done anything wrong. Here is the way that Jack should NOT handle this:

Jack: You know, Linda, the way you're sulking around is not enhancing the atmosphere. What happened?

That kind of opening is going to blow Linda's fuse. Here's what Jack should say:

Jack: Linda, I see that you're upset, and I'm getting the impression that something I may have done has caused it. Could you tell me what I did so that I can make amends? Linda: You really don't know? Jack: No, Lin, I really don't. But I'd appreciate it if you would tell me.

At this point, Linda can already see that Jack sincerely wants her to feel better, even though he has no clue what he did. Her defenses are coming down even before he apologizes.

Linda: Well, you remember last night at the restaurant? Your comment about my job really insulted me.

Now, here it comes:

Jack: Linda, I'm really sorry. It was wrong of me to speak without thinking. (1) That comment must have made you feel that I don't value your job or your efforts to contribute to the family income. (2) It was totally unintentional, and nothing could be further from the truth. I feel terrible about making you feel that way. (3) In the future, I'll try to think a little harder before I speak. Your feelings are very important to me. (4) Do you forgive me? (5)

Linda, of course, forgives him immediately, and their marriage is fortified.

Occasionally, a card or small gift can accompany an apology, especially if the issue was a major one. It doesn't have to be anything you pay an arm or a leg for - save those extravagant gifts for real occasions - but it can help to emphasize your sincerity and your desire to patch things up

Too bad Calvin didn't see this article.

Love means appriciating

Liz was furious. She found herself throwing things into her pocketbook and slamming drawers. "What's his problem?" she fumed. "The rent is late again, and all he says is, 'Don't worry, it'll be okay.' I can't take it anymore! Whether the baby runs a high fever or the electric company wants to turn off the electricity because the bill was misplaced and never paid, all he can say is, 'Don't worry. It'll be fine. Calm down.' When I got married, I thought I would have someone to share my burdens with, not ignore them. Doesn't he CARE?!"

***

Barry was getting frustrated. "Why does every little thing I say set Michelle off crying?" he wondered. "I was just making a joke. Even my sisters never got insulted the way she does. Why does she have to be so sensitive? Almost every discussion we have about anything serious ends up with her crying, and I'm getting sick and tired of always feeling like the bad guy. This is not what I envisioned when we got married. I've had enough of this!"

***

Both Liz and Barry seem to have legitimate complaints. Liz's husband, Mike, just shrugs everything off, and Barry's wife Michelle overreacts to every little comment he makes. When it goes on and on, day after day, both Liz and Barry begin to feel frustrated in their marriages. And although they haven't said so - even to themselves - deep down, they are both wondering if they really married the right person.

But before letting matters go any further, both Barry and Liz would be well-advised to turn the clock back to the time when they were still single and searching. Let's do it for them, and see what we find:

Liz was always a somewhat nervous type. Throughout school, she would suffer from headaches whenever she had an exam. When her friends began to receive replies from colleges before she did, she began to call the admissions office twice a day because she was so nervous that something had happened. Liz knew that she was way too anxious about everything, but couldn't seem to control this aspect of her personality.

When Liz met Mike, she was struck by how immediately relaxed she felt in his presence. His calm, easygoing, stress-free personality set her at ease, and she found herself enjoying his company more and more. When they got engaged, she knew that with Mike at her side she would always feel secure that things would work out.

***

Although Barry loved his parents dearly, he knew that he wanted his home to be somewhat different than the one in which he grew up. For some reason, it always seemed that his mother was not quite in tune with his father. As Barry matured, he realized that while his mother was talented in many areas, she lacked sensitivity. As Barry started to think about marriage, he knew that this quality was high up in his list of priorities. When he met Michelle, the first quality that he noticed was her incredible sensitivity. She seemed to know just what to say to everybody at just the right time. The more Barry got to know Michelle, the more he admired that quality of hers. And when they got engaged, he knew that in Michelle he had found someone who would truly be his partner, with whom he could always share his feelings with and know that she would understand.

***

So what went wrong?

Nothing.

Yes, nothing. Both Liz and Barry got exactly what they wanted. But there was one small rule that no one told them about. It's a rule that could change their lives, and maybe yours, too:

When you look at a person you have to realize that both what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy are two sides of the same coin.

That bears repeating:

What you enjoy and what you don't enjoy are two sides of the same coin.

It's a cliche but it's true: No one is perfect. Everybody has faults, and more often than not, their faults are nothing more than the flip side of their positive characteristics. That means that some people who tend to be relaxed, calm and stress-free might not be overly concerned about issues that are truly serious and demand attention. And that people who are extremely sensitive to others might be very sensitive themselves, and need to be treated accordingly.

In every relationship - but especially in marriage - it is crucial to learn how to appreciate the whole person, and to accept the fact that those qualities that you admire most in your spouse might have other aspects to them that may not be to your liking, and may require some adjustments. The best adjustment you can make is to refocus your viewing lens.

For Liz, that means focusing on Mike's amazing ability to calm her down and keep her balanced, rather than on those situations in which his easygoing nature seems to be a drawback. For Barry, it means concentrating on Michelle's incredible sensitivity to his feelings while accepting the fact that her own feelings may be fragile and to weigh his words carefully. Mike and Michelle are not off the hook either. If Liz gets upset, Mike can remind himself that thanks to her they have electricity; Michelle should tell herself that Barry is used to joking, and that if he hurts her feelings it is more than likely unintentional. If each spouse shows the other how much they appreciate him or her as a whole person, they will have imbued their marriages with a staying power that is second to none.

Universal Light Bulb Theory in MArriage

The following is a behind-the-scenes look at a typical scenario from a typical home. If you're married, you might recognize yourself here; if you're not, you might remember something similar from your childhood.

Danielle puts her baby daughter Cheryl in her crib for the night, then walks over to the linen closet at the end of the hall. On her way, she automatically reaches out to flick on the light switch - and looks up. The hall light bulb has burned out. 

"Jason?" she calls.

Jason looks up from the report he's writing in the living room. "Yes, honey?"

"As soon as you finish, could you please change the light bulb in the hall?"

"Sure, Dani, no problem. I should be finished in about ten minutes or so."

"Thanks."

Confident that the light bulb will soon be changed, Danielle goes to the kitchen to cook dinner for two. A half hour later, Cheryl cries. On her way to give the baby a pacifier, Danielle passes the hall. She flicks on the light switch and, to her surprise, it's still burned out.

"Jason, did you finish that report?"

"Sure did."

"Could you please change the light bulb?"

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, I forgot. I'll do it right now."

Jason goes to the supply closet to take out the step stool, intent on changing the light bulb. On his way, the phone rings. He picks it up and has a ten minute conversation with his Dad. After he hangs up the phone, he goes the fridge and takes an apple.

"Honey, did you change the light bulb?"

"I was just on my way."

Jason puts down his half eaten apple, and takes the step stool out of the closet. But the dust from the closet makes him sneeze, and he goes to get a tissue from the bedroom. As he passes Danielle's desk, he notices that the laptop battery is about to run out, so he gets the cable and plugs it in. The computer screen informs him that they have 25 new emails (ten of them flagged) and he sits down to check them out. 

"Jase, the light is still out in the hall, would you..."

"Right."

This exchange continues for three more days. On the fourth day, Danielle can't take it anymore and bursts out crying. Jason is dumbfounded.

"Danielle, what's wrong?"

"Wrong? YOU'RE asking ME what's WRONG?"

"Did I do something, Dani?"

"YOU'RE asking ME if you DID SOMETHING?"

"Dani, what happened?"

"HAPPENED? YOU want to know what HAPPENED?"

"Dani, is your hearing okay?"

Let's analyze Jason and Danielle's exchange for a minute by asking a few questions:
Why hasn't Jason changed the light bulb yet?
Did he intentionally ignore his wife's request? 

It seems that Jason just got sidetracked. He wanted to change the light bulb, he really did. But things just kept happening.

So then why is Danielle so upset? And hey, if it's so important to her that the light bulb be changed, why doesn't she just do it herself if she sees that Jason can't get his act together?

The answer is that what's upsetting Danielle is not the light bulb, per se. If it were, she really would just change it herself. But for Danielle, it's not just a light bulb.

Welcome to The Universal Light Bulb Theory. (This phrase was coined by Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky of Toronto.)

All you husbands and wives out there, if you can understand and internalize this, you will automatically improve your marriage by at least 50%.

Here's how it works:
Everything is in the light bulb.
What does "everything" mean? It means everything that has ever come between the two of you in your relationship.

Jason, remember when you were engaged and you forgot Danielle's birthday? That's in the light bulb. Remember three years ago, when you (unintentionally!) embarrassed her when her parents were over? That's in the light bulb.
When no matter how much she begged and shook you to wake up and take Cheryl for a little while because she was just too exhausted to get up one more time? That's in the light bulb, too.

Men, realize that the reason your wives tend to get upset over things that seem insignificant to you is because for women, those "little" things really represent the relationship. In a way, it's actually a relationship test. And, for your information, this doesn't only apply to light bulbs. It applies to car-washing, picture-hanging, shelf-fixing, diaper- changing...you get the idea.

Sounds complicated, huh? It is. Women, you are much more complicated than your husbands are. It's hard for them to keep up. So men, you try to understand that there is much more to your wives' requests than meets the eye, and if there's a reason you can't respond in the affirmative, say something like "Honey, I'd love to fix that shelf for you right now. But I'm right in the middle of a really important business letter. If I forget to do it when I finish, please remind me. I don't want to push it off till tomorrow."

Well, what about the women? Shouldn't they cut their husbands a little slack?

Definitely.

Women, please, give your husbands a break. Sympathize with the fact that his brain doesn't work exactly like yours, and try to help him out by verbalizing what you really feel. Instead of asking him to change the light bulb for days on end and then breaking into tears, try something like this: "Can you please change the light bulb, honey? If you don't, I feel that my needs and requests are not important to you, and it makes me feel that you don't really value me. So please show me that's not the case by changing the light bulb, okay?"
You'll see, it works. He wants to make you happy. He just doesn't know that the light bulb is that important. Tell him.

Both of you will be happy that you did. Danielle and Jason sure were!

The 3 Main Challenges to Marriage - Part I

In the course of a marriage, any number of challenges can arise. Some issues are internal, while others come from external sources.

The three main external challenges in marriage are:

Challenge #1 - In-Laws

Challenge #2 - Money

Challenge #3 - Children

Since writing about all three in one article would be the equivalent of writing a mini e-book, we're going to divide them into a three part series.

Today we're going to tackle the in-laws. I'm going to turn the microphone over to my wife, who got a phone call from a friend of hers on just this topic:

The other day, my phone rang at home. It was my good friend, Holly. After the usual "hi, how are you" Holly got to the subject with her typical frankness.

"You know, I feel like I'm about to explode!"

"What happened now?" I asked, even though I was sure I knew.

"I'm just so frustrated. No matter what I do, it's not enough, or it's not good enough. Whenever we go there for the weekend, it seems like she's intent on showing Kevin that I'm not a good wife to him, or a responsible mother to Abigail."

In case you didn't figure it out yet, Holly was talking about her mother-in-law.

I felt bad for Holly. Things with her mother-in-law just got off on the wrong foot from day one. Since I had the chance to view things close-up from the very beginning, I knew that Holly didn't start the cycle. Even at the engagement party, it was pretty obvious that her future MIL was not going to accept her with open arms.

"What am I going to do, Robin?" Holly was talking again, in a low, almost hopeless voice. "I want Abigail to have a warm relationship with her grandmother. But being around her is just so hard. And it's taking a toll on Kevin, too."

It occurred to me that if Holly was this desperate, then she might be willing to do whatever was possible in order to alleviate the situation - no matter how hard it might be.

"Holly," I said softly, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Holly, how much do you really want things to get better? How hard are you willing to work for it?"

"Very."

"Are you sure? Even if it means saying and doing things that might be difficult?"

"I'm sure. No matter how difficult it'll be, it can't be worse than what's going on now. I used to think that the situation would resolve itself, but things have gotten so complicated that I don't think it'll happen on its own."

"I agree. Are you ready?"

"Definitely," Holly answered.

"OK. The first thing you need to try to understand is where your mother-in-law is coming from. Don't forget, Kevin is her only son. She gave birth to him, she raised him, and now he's all grown up and you come along to take him away from her."

Holly protested. "But I never meant to - "

I interrupted her. "Of course you didn't marry him in order to take him away. I'm just trying to show you how she feels, not necessarily what reality is. You know, up until the time that a man gets married, his mother is really the only woman in his life. She's the emotional provider for him. But once he gets married, it's almost like he switches loyalty from his mother to his wife. Now his wife takes first priority. And for a mother who's put her all into her son for twenty, twenty-five years, that's a hard pill to swallow. Can you understand that?"

"Yeah," Holly said pensively. "I can. I never thought about it like that before."

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The main Three Challenge to marriage Part II

Children

Last time, we talked about the challenges that various in-law issues can bring about in marriage. Now we're going to skip a generation, and talk about the kids.

Children are the greatest blessing a couple can hope for. They bring light and joy into the home, and have the potential to strengthen the marital bond more than just about anything else. Raising children is both a tremendous privilege and an enormous responsibility, because bringing them up to be responsible, caring adults means that the next generation will grow to help make the world a better place.

So if children are so wonderful - which they are - why do they have the potential to be one of the three main challenges in marriage?

There are a few reasons.

First of all, to find a couple that has absolutely identical ideas and philosophies on child-raising is extremely rare. Actually, I've never come across such a phenomenon. Why is this? Well, for one, it's because the father is a man and the mother is a woman, which is enough of a difference on its own. They also grew up in different homes, may come from different backgrounds, and each has his/her own personality. All of these factors just about guarantee that husband and wife will not always see eye-to-eye when it comes to their kids.

So how can couples raise their children and still keep their marriage afloat?

By following a few key rules.

1) It's okay to disagree. In other words, don't feel bad that you and your spouse have differences of opinion about your kids. Realize that it's honest to have disagreements - just disagree without being disagreeable. Discuss the issues calmly, when both of you are in a good state of mind, and talk openly and honestly. That means, don't hurl accusations and judgment statements. Talk about the issue at hand, not about why your spouse is so ------ for thinking the way he or she does. Respect the differences between you, and arrive at an agreement that both of you can live with.

2) You must support each other in front of the children. Although you and your spouse are mature enough to follow rule #1, children are not mature enough to understand it. Therefore, you must, but must, support each other in front of the kids. Treat each other with respect and back each other up. That means that, if you tend to be more laid back while your spouse is a stricter type, you still have to support each other in front of the kids. So let's say that the father is lenient and the mother is strict, and the following scenario occurs:

Mom and Dad have a four year old daughter named Kate. Little Katie has just finished eating lunch, and she now wants a cookie. So she asks, "Mommy, can I please have a cookie?" And Mom answers, "Katie, you just ate lunch. Now is not the time for cookies. If you want, you can have one after you wake up from your nap." Katie looks at her Dad and gives him her pouting face, the one he can almost never resist. What should Dad not do now? Dad should NOT say, "Oh, it's just a cookie. Let her have it." Or even worse, "It's okay, Katie. You can have a cookie." What should he say? He should say, "Katie, Mommy just told you that you can't have a cookie now. You have to wait until you wake up from your nap."

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The main Three Challenge to marriage Part I

Money

It is good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven't lost the things money can't buy.
George Lorimer, U.S. editor and writer (1867-1937)

I'd like you to try an exercise.

First, read that quote again.

Now think to yourself: How many things can you think of that money can buy? Here are a few to get you started: Food, clothing, furniture, appliances, electronic equipment, vacations. Continue the list according to your lifestyle.

Finished? Good, because you're going to make another mental list. This time, try to think of as many things as you can that money can't buy, such as: Love, happiness, friendship, courage, kindness, peace of mind.

Now compare the two lists, and answer the following question: Which are the most precious commodities?

I would think that, beyond minimal necessities that one has to have in order to live, that the second list would take priority over the first. And most people I've asked to do this exercise agree with me.

So now we have a question to answer.

If we all agree that the second list is more important than the first, then why is it that money is one of the three main challenges that arise in marriage? (According to some, it is actually one of the number one reasons people divorce today!)

In my experience, the main reason why money is such a problem today is that, in our society, money isn't really money.

Allow me to explain. Once upon a time (actually, it wasn't that long ago), money was simply a means to an end, that end being the ability to support a family. It was something one needed in order to purchase food, clothing, shelter, and coal or wood to warm the house during the winter. And that was the end of the money issue.

Its ADvt.

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5 Word formula to make your marriage work part I

It's true. There is a five word formula that can both improve a great marriage and make a difficult one work. It was coined by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin in his book, Marriage(this article draws on many of his ideas). Here it is:

Don't cause pain, give pleasure.

That's all there is to it, folks. If you and your spouse can concentrate on not causing pain and on giving the other pleasure, you've got it made.

Some people will read this formula and laugh at how easy it sounds. Others will read this formula and laugh sarcastically at how impossible it sounds. It all depends on your point of view, and on your current relationship with your spouse. But whether it sounds easy or hard to implement, the truth still stands.

As kids, we used to say, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." As adults, we all know how false that statement is. One of the greatest sources of pain and pleasure in marriage lies in the way we speak. So in order to make this five-word formula work, we need to talk about how to not cause pain, and the ways in which we can give pleasure instead.

Let's start with not causing pain.

There are certain situations in marriage that leave a larger opening for causing pain than others. One of these situations is when one spouse wants or needs something from the other spouse, but is not managing to get it. This can lead to feelings of "If she really cared about me, then…" and "If he really loved me as much as he says he does, he wouldn't…", and these thoughts are a direct road to saying words that inflict a lot of pain. However, very often, if the one making the request would do so in a pleasant manner to begin with, the response might be very different - or, at the very least, if the answer is still "no", it will be delivered in a manner that leaves no doubt in the requester's mind that if their spouse could have fulfilled the request, he/she would have.

Here's an example:

Kimberly loves to talk on the phone, and she spends most of her free time chatting with friends and family. Seth, her husband, understands her, and says nothing about the whopping bill that arrives in their mailbox faithfully every month. But there's one thing that annoys him. He leaves for work at 8:30 am and comes home at 7:00 pm. He loves Kimberly very much and looks forward to seeing her at the end of a long day. But almost every day, when he walks in the door, she's in the middle of a phone conversation and barely gives him a nod. Later on, when they sit down to eat dinner together, more often than not the phone rings - and Kim gets involved in a lengthy powwow that can extend long beyond the time that her husband has given up on waiting for her and finished eating by himself. Seth is very frustrated, and doesn't think it's too much to ask for Kimberly to get off the phone when he comes in, and to refrain from speaking on the phone during their dinner hour. One day, he can't take it anymore, and this is what happens:

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5 word formula to make your marriage work PArt II

Part II - Giving Pleasure

Last time, we talked about the five word formula to make your marriage work - don't cause pain, give pleasure - and we discussed how not to cause pain. Now we're going to talk about the positive side of the formula - giving your spouse pleasure.

I've heard people say that if they're not causing their spouse pain, that means that they must be giving them pleasure. But it doesn't work that way. Although not causing pain is definitely the first stage, there is a long way to go between not causing pain and actively giving pleasure. One is not an automatic result of the other.

So how can we give pleasure?

Actually, there are a number of different ways to give your spouse pleasure - and they're not expensive! Although each person has his/her individual preferences, here's a partial list to get you started:

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Reframing Your Marriage

Both my wife and I are big fans of jigsaw puzzles. Although we haven't done a major one in years (try putting together a 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle with a one-year old baby walking around), we did do more of them when we were a young(er) couple.

I remember that the first summer after we were married, we bought a beautiful, 2000 piece puzzle. It was a picture of an outdoor, circular staircase made of stone that led to a bridge, and it was surrounded by the most breathtaking flowers in varying shades of pink - just the place you would love to take a quiet, relaxing walk with your spouse.

Between work and everything, it took us about two weeks to finish the puzzle. After we glued it to the carton backing, we made our way to a frame gallery to choose the perfect frame for our first puzzle together.

It was there that I discovered something amazing.

No matter how beautiful the puzzle was, its beauty changed depending on the frame.

I thought choosing a frame would be simple. It wasn't. Some frames made the puzzle look drab, while others had colors that looked like they would match but when put up against the puzzle they clashed. Some drew so much attention to the frame that you forgot about the puzzle, and others were so nondescript that they might as well not have been there.

This experience taught me something very important. The picture you see is either enhanced or diminished according to the frame in which you put it.

This discovery has helped me tremendously since I started working in marriage counseling.

In every marriage - as in life in general - there are situations that are more pleasant and those that are less. But the degree to which we view those situations as pleasant or unpleasant depends on the frames we place around them.

This, in a nutshell, is the art of reframing.

To elaborate, reframing means to take a situation that is a given -i.e., the basic facts cannot be changed - and to control the way I react to it by viewing it in a certain way. For example, we had a family get-together the other day. A certain relative behaved somewhat distant toward me, and avoided conversation. At first, I admit, I was hurt. "I didn't do anything to him. Why is he acting so coldly?" But then I thought to myself, "Wait a minute. Since I'm absolutely sure that I didn't do anything to him, his behavior must not have anything to do with me at all. Maybe there's something bothering him. Maybe he had a rough day at work. Maybe he's not feeling well, but didn't want to disappoint the hosts and so he showed up anyway." I kept thinking of different explanations for his behavior, and lo and behold! I didn't feel hurt anymore at all.

That's the basic idea of reframing. You can do the same in your marriage. But before we start with examples, there are a couple of rules you should know about how to reframe effectively:

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